You May Be In A 'Tolyamorous’ Relationship Without Ever Having Discussed It

It's thought to be the most common type of non-monogamous relationship.

By now, you’ve likely heard of polyamory — the interest in or practice of engaging in more than one romantic relationship at a time with the consent of all parties — that has captured the cultural conversation of late. But you may not be familiar with the term “tolyamory,” a different relationship structure that is prevalent but seldom spoken about.

Tolyamory is a term coined by sex and relationship columnist and podcaster Dan Savage. It’s a portmanteau, combining the words tolerate and polyamory, and refers to a relationship dynamic in which one or both partners puts up with — or tolerates — the other’s outside sexual or romantic contact. Unlike polyamory and other forms of consensual non-monogamy, it’s not something the couple has explicitly discussed and agreed to.

Savage introduced the word in a January episode of his podcast “Savage Lovecast:”

“[It’s] someone willing to turn a blind eye to a lap dance or a brief affair after years of marriage. They’re able to focus on all the ways their spouse demonstrates their commitment and shows their love. And all of those other ways compensate or make the cheating that might be happening tolerable. These people aren’t fools or dupes. They’re not to be pitied — they know what they signed up for and long ago made peace with what they got. They’re willing to put up with it — a certain amount of it — reconciled to it, willing to tolerate it. They are, in a word, tolyamorous.”

Marie Thouin, a relationship researcher, coach and author of the forthcoming book “What Is Compersion?” summed up tolyamory this way: