Preternaturally presanctified presentation  Premium

Since this is the pre-wedding season, my thoughts are predominantly about my own pre-wedding pre-blues when the pre-bells pre-rang. It was a prelapsarian time of joy when we ate pre-heated prebiotic food while our animals were fed pre-chewed prey. It was prehistoric, some might even say pre-human. 

Since this is the pre-wedding season, my thoughts are predominantly about my own pre-wedding pre-blues when the pre-bells pre-rang. It was a prelapsarian time of joy when we ate pre-heated prebiotic food while our animals were fed pre-chewed prey. It was prehistoric, some might even say pre-human. 

My pre-wedding and wedding together took about five minutes. And I confess here with that honesty for which I am known from one end of my desk to the other that it did not cost ₹1300 crores. For those who are shocked that one can actually conduct a pre-wedding for less than that amount, here’s my reason: I kept the figure low to avoid the pressure of having to spend ₹1301 crores on the post-pre-wedding, or the actual wedding itself which usually follows four months later. The prelude can’t be allowed to overshadow the main piece. 

However, in the excitement of my approaching prenuptials, I forgot to take some precautions. For one, I forgot to get permission to convert our local taxi stand into an international airport. Maybe that’s why Taylor Swift didn’t turn up. Rihanna didn’t come either, possibly because she hadn’t been born yet and it might have been difficult. 

I didn’t have any exotic animals (unless you count an old aunt) sharing their previous night’s dinner with a television anchor. In fact, I forgot to feed any of the media predigested bits of information that pretended to be news, mews and Zeus, catty stories of our Greek gods. 

The more I think, the more I remember the things that were missing. My watch didn’t cost northwards of a million dollars and the guest list did not have multi-billionaires who were fighting inequities and saving the world, having predetermined to philanthropise their way to immortality.  

Now we know there’s the pre-wedding, the wedding (post pre-wedding) and then the post wedding (post pre-wedding post-wedding). The language has been expanded so poetically. 

After O.J. Simpson was cleared of murdering his wife, he wrote a book If I Did It: Confessions of the Killer. In the same spirit, here’s what I might have done for my wedding had I spent 1300 crore at the pre-wedding.