My Marriage Is Fine, But I'm Not Sure Marriage Is Really For Me
HuffPost
"I have been married for 12 years, so it's not like I'm experiencing a rare case of delayed cold feet."
In fifth or sixth grade, a bunch of kids in my class played “pretend weddings” on the playground. One of the boys wanted to “marry” me, and if my memory serves me correctly, though I did have a crush on this boy, I declined the “proposal.” Maybe I was onto something.
Let’s skip ahead some decades. My husband and I have the kind of relationship most people hope for: good communication, shared responsibilities and real joy in each other’s company. But despite how well we seem to fit together, I can’t escape this unsettling thought: What if marriage, as a concept, just isn’t for me?
It’s not about my husband; we are best friends who love and support one another. It’s more about this societal framework that, despite its intentions, can feel confining and, at times, overwhelming. Things like “settling down” by a certain age, the idea that marriage is a crucial milestone to personal fulfillment or success, and the notion that marriage “completes” a person. I find myself questioning whether the traditional structure of marriage aligns with who I am and what I truly want out of life, although it’s apparent that I’m still struggling with that, too.
Here’s the kicker: I have been married for 12 years, so it’s not like I’m experiencing a rare case of delayed cold feet. And frankly, I intend to remain married. This is more like a “Who am I and what am I doing here?” existential crisis. And more than ever before, I think about why I got married in the first place or followed this path in life, just because I was “supposed to.”
It could easily be a midlife spell that has this marriage question banging around in my brain lately. It’s certainly not a sudden light bulb moment, as this thought has often crossed my mind. But one day turns into the next, and the fact that I am married doesn’t much factor into what to make for dinner or upcoming weekend plans. And then the thought pops up again. Oh, right. I’m married. Weird. Why?
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