I Felt Too Big And Too Black For Ballet As A Kid. Then I Signed Up For A Class That Changed Everything.

"I began going to school with white kids for the first time, and my body became subject to discourse and scrutiny. "

Tonight might kill me.

I looked at myself in the mirror one last time before my dance class, which Classpass described as being about “building confidence and appreciating the way your body moves,” adding that heels were encouraged but not required.

I wore a black Beyoncé shirt with black leggings. I pulled my boho box braids up into a high ponytail that grazed my butt with every motion of my head. I grabbed my orange-red, strappy, suede heels and threw them in my bag.

As I walked the 20 minutes to the dance studio, I imagined the instructor Black like me, or, white, Asian, mixed, tall, short, thick, thin, loud, mean, annoyed, annoying, nurturing. I imagined the other students: regulars who were all best friends or everyone separate, shy and new to class.

I looked up at the palm trees gently blowing as I made my way. It was my fourth summer in LA, the city of dreams, but I hadn’t done much to chase mine. I had spent the last year in a burnout fog, then was laid off shortly before my 35th birthday, leaving me with lots of time to reflect on the fact that I wasn’t quite happy. I needed to do something to get my zest and passion for life back.