In a world of 'good vibes only,' this author wants you to strive for emotional honesty

Despite trendy home decor declaring "good vibes only" — a mantra demanding people leave tough emotions at the door — Nora McInerny says that in reality, life's vibes are, at best, a mixed bag.

"I'm a person who knows that life, for most people, is not just a highlight reel," the author, podcaster and remarried widow told The Sunday Magazine's Piya Chattopadhyay.

In her new book of essays, Bad Vibes Only, McInerny challenges an overly optimistic culture — one that continually strives for self-improvement and ignores the messy, authentic emotions of human existence.

For example: how walking into a room with aggressively upbeat furnishings can leave her feeling unwelcome.

"I understand what people mean when they buy something like that or display something like that. I don't think they mean, 'I'm not interested in hearing about the pain or suffering that my loved ones are going through,'" said McInerny.

"But it does have the effect on a person who is not feeling good vibes or who is dealing with the reality of life … of making you feel like you better tuck that away for another time."

Instead of banishing any negative vibes, McInerny wants people to practice what she calls "emotional honesty."

She practices that herself, having written and spoken extensively about the grief of dealing with her husband's and her father's deaths in 2014. 

Bad, awkward and uncomfortable vibes, she argues, can help us form more interesting relationships, conversations and life experiences.

"Have you ever read a good book where it's just a pleasant story, where everyone gets along and everything is fine, and everyone gets exactly what they want, when they want it?" she said.

"Good vibes only — it's, frankly, boring. It's boring."

Though not clinical in nature, "toxic positivity" is the term coined to describe this particular brand of chasing perpetual happiness. 

Susan David, a psychologist at the Harvard Medical School, has defined it as a form of denial. "When you tell someone to 'be positive,' you're basically saying to them, 'My comfort is more important than your reality,'" she writes.

It can manifest in well-intentioned suggestions that "It's not all bad!" or to "Look on the bright side!" when a friend or co-worker shares an uncomfortable story or experience. It's what comes before the reminder that no amount of positive thinking would have changed the terminal cancer diagnosis of McInerny's late husband.