Here's What I Want You To Know About Having Diarrhea While Out In Public

"There was no time to assess if anyone might see me from the windows of a nearby building. I dove behind a bush and did my business."

I had two minutes to find a bathroom. I didn’t have a find-a-potty app on my phone because I couldn’t preplan these events, and preparing for them ― even thinking about them ― sometimes made me need to go. In these moments, I also didn’t have time for apps, and in this situation, here in Millbrae, California, I already knew where the closest restroom was: in the nearby Trader Joe’s. Sitting in my car, I feared I didn’t have time to walk across the parking lot and down a hundred feet to the market’s front door. I couldn’t see the storefront from my car. Had a line formed? I’d often seen one outside the store during the pandemic. And I’d misplaced my “I can’t wait” card to show people in a queue or place of business. Why had I not replaced it? I’d never been inside that Trader Joe’s. If the bathroom’s location was not immediately obvious, I might need to accost a roaming employee to ask where it was and whether a key was required. Or I’d proceed to the customer service desk, where I might need to clear my throat repeatedly or blurt out “Excuse me, where is the bathroom?” to command attention. Or, most precariously, if I found myself fifth in line at said desk, I might have to strain to contain my diarrhea by taking deep, allegedly calming breaths and visualizing it retreating up into my colon, all while pretending that nothing was amiss inside my body.