Colts’ Braden Smith contemplated ‘putting a bullet through my brain’ during harrowing pursuit of perfection in faith-based OCD battle

Braden Smith has been fighting demons well beyond the football field. 

The Colts right tackle revealed that his obsessive compulsive disorder, combined with religious scrupulosity, forced him to have suicidal thoughts. 

“I was physically present, but I was nowhere to be found,” Smith told the Indianapolis Star of missing the final five games of the Colts season. “I did not care about playing football. I didn’t care about hanging out with my family, with my wife, with my newborn son. … I [felt like] was a month away from putting a bullet through my brain.” 

Smith, who has played all seven of his pro seasons with the Colts, explained that his Christian faith had warped his mindset into a more sinister, negative outlook on his life. 

Religious scrupulosity is a form of OCD that had Smith constantly repenting perfectly for every sin he committed, where he even started questioning his motivations or his delivery for his repentance. 

“There’s the actual, real, true, living God,” said Smith, who converted after being raised Methodist. “And then there’s my OCD god, and the OCD god is this condemning [deity]. It’s like every wrong move you make; it’s like smacking the ruler against his hand. ‘Another bad move like that and you’re out of here.’ ”