'Ceremony saved my life': Ochapowace First Nation man healing through culture and dance

WARNING: This story contains details of experiences at residential schools.

An Ochapowace First Nation man says going to ceremonies and participating in cultural events has been a big part in his healing from the trauma of residential schools.

Ivan Isaac spent 10 years of his childhood in three different residential schools in Saskatchewan — Marieval Residential School, Gordon's Residential School and finally Lebret Indian Industrial School, where he graduated in 1998 — the year the school closed.

"I didn't realize how much it affected me," Isaac said. "I just thought I hated being an Indian." 

When he graduated, he returned home to his home reserve, Ochapowace First Nation, about 160 kilometres east of Regina, where he played sports for the community's local teams. He said it wasn't uncommon for him to encounter racism as he travelled for sport.

During that time, Isaac also lost his little brother. The hostility he felt outside his community, because of his Indigenous identity, coupled with his grief, led him into a deep depression, he said.

"I didn't know how to grieve, so I hit the bottle hard and I blamed my brother for leaving me," he said. "I blamed him for years, and it wasn't even his fault."

Isaac said he used alcohol as a coping mechanism for years. 

"I thought I was numbing the pain, which I wasn't," he said. 

As the years passed, Isaac lost many friends to addiction and suicide. In his late 30s, he decided he didn't want to die. He decided to get sober and pursue knowledge instead.

Isaac started studying at the Regina-based First Nations University to pursue a career in education. 

That was when he learned more about the impacts residential schools had on Indigenous communities.

When he started a teaching practicum, the feelings he thought he had suppressed from his own residential school experience came flooding back, Isaac said.

"I had to push through … and keep a smile on my face. I would teach through the day and come home and cry my eyes out, and do it again the next day," he said.