Can't sleep without your partner? Here's what to do about it

Sleep divorces are a recent trend, but what if you have trouble sleeping without your partner? Here's why that happens and what you can do.

Over the last few years, couples going through a “sleep divorce” has been all the rage — or just the realization that partnered sleep isn’t always the harmonious thing people think it should be. But what if you actually have trouble falling asleep or sleeping when your partner isn’t there?

That’s also common, especially among people whose partners have passed away, said Dr. Wendy Troxel, a Utah-based clinical psychologist and senior behavioural and social scientist at the RAND Corporation.

Some of the reasons this happens have to do with the partner alone, while others are more about the bedtime routine you have with them, which might be more conducive to sleep than the one you have without them.

“There has been so much focus on couples sleeping apart but it was sort of missing the other part of the story about why many couples do prefer to sleep together and why there tends to be this psychological drive to sleep with a person,” Troxel, author of “Sharing the Covers: Every Couple’s Guide to Better Sleep,” said. “At the basic level, sleeping together provides a sense of safety and security, which can really facilitate healthy sleep.”

The sound of a partner’s breathing, the weight and warmth of their body next to you, and the feeling of being more secure and protected — especially for women — all can put your mind at ease, a necessary state for good sleep, she said.

“Our brains want to feel safe and secure in order to fall asleep, and one of the best ways to feel safe and secure is to have relatively predictable routines and environments,” Troxel said.

There’s also the positive physiological effect of cuddling, holding hands or having sex before falling asleep, which can stimulate feel-good hormones such as oxytocin, which is stress-reducing, Troxel said.