5 things not to say to a grieving friend
CTV
It’s almost impossible to know what to say to someone in the throes of grief. We all want to say something comforting. Very few of us know what that is.
It’s almost impossible to know what to say to someone in the throes of grief. We all want to say something comforting. Very few of us know what that is.
I’ve learned this the hard way. My beloved husband of 23 years died at the end of July, two years after being diagnosed with stage IV pancreatic cancer. Since then, I’ve seen friends and neighbours struggle for the right words, and I’ve been surprised by how even the kindest questions can set me off.
There’s no one right answer, of course. What is helpful for me may not work for someone else, and words that I find off-putting may be the perfect balm for another person. Still, trading notes with a few grieving people, including my own children, I’ve found some helpful do’s and five unexpected don’ts.
You’d be surprised how loaded this basic question can feel. A caring friend wants to know how you’re doing. What could possibly be wrong with that?
The problem, my kids and I realized, is that it’s a near-impossible question to answer. Our feelings of grief change by the hour, sometimes by the minute, so there’s no answer that will stand the test of time. Do you mean how am I this very second? I can answer that, but my answer might change a second later. Do you mean how are we coping in life? The answer is, we don’t know yet.
We find it easier to answer less overarching questions, such as, how was college drop-off? How was the first day of school? How was dinner last night? Specific questions are less challenging than existential ones.
I’ve had to dig deep to figure out why this generous question from well-meaning friends doesn’t sit right. I think it’s because it puts the onus on the griever to help the helper. The helper wants to figure something out – but those of us who are grieving are in no position to help. We often can’t articulate, and might not even know, what we want or need.
Tesla is recalling almost 700,000 vehicles because of an issue with the warning light on the tire pressure monitoring system.
Alaska Gov. Mike Dunleavy’s wish list for the incoming Trump administration includes oil and gas exploration in the pristine Arctic National Wildlife Refuge and reversing restrictions on logging and road-building in a temperate rainforest that provides habitat for wolves, bears and salmon.
The press freedom group Reporters Without Borders is urging Apple to remove its newly introduced artificial intelligence feature that summarizes news stories after it produced a false headline from the BBC.
A yearlong trial of 493 adults, with an average age of 53, found vagus nerve stimulation therapy led to improvement in participants' depressive symptoms, ability to complete daily tasks and quality of life.
Two thousand years ago, the one-time rulers of modern-day Turkiye's southwestern corner had a fully functioning democratic federation.
U.S. auto safety regulators have backed away from seeking a giant recall of nearly 50 million air bag inflators and will investigate further after the auto industry raised questions about whether all of the inflators are defective.
The world's largest hornet, an invasive breed dubbed the “murder hornet” for its dangerous sting and ability to slaughter a honey bee hive in a matter of hours, has been declared eradicated in the U.S., five years after being spotted for the first time in Washington state near the Canadian border.
Scientists have found unprecedented evidence of another type of squirrel exhibiting carnivorous behaviours, including hunting, killing and eating voles, according to a new study.
A patient in Louisiana has been hospitalized with a severe case of H5N1 bird flu, the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention said, the first such case in the United States.
With the high cost of living increasingly a concern, some seniors are making sacrifices to help their adult children and grandchildren make ends meet. Here are some of their stories.
Japanese automakers Nissan Motor Corp. and Honda Motor Co. confirmed Wednesday that they are discussing closer collaboration but denied reports they have decided on a merger.