2 Phrases You’ll Probably Regret Saying To Your Tween

"I soon learned that these two powerful phrases were guaranteed to get an instant reaction."

My tween daughter loves to say, “I’m practically an adult.” At first I was flabbergasted. How could a 9-year-old feel so close to adulthood? After a few weeks of hearing her talk about getting older, I started complimenting my daughter’s good behavior by saying, “That’s so grown-up,” and I reacted to her bad behavior by saying, “You’re acting like a little kid.”

I soon learned that these two powerful phrases were guaranteed to get an instant reaction. When I praised her for acting “so grown-up,” she stood a little taller, but she also got a little bossier around her younger brother. When I criticized her for “acting like a kid,” she’d debate me on how an adult would act, and we’d completely lose sight of the situation that brought us there in the first place. I realized that these age-related phrases were making her defensive and triggering arguments, not helping her understand maturity. I decided to find out why these phrases were eliciting those reactions, and what to say instead as she eases into young adulthood.

Why Age Is So Triggering For Tweens

Tweens are in a developmentally challenging place. By age 12, they realize that their time at home is not going to last forever.

“Consciously or not, tweens start to think about preparing themselves for adulthood and becoming increasingly independent,” Lisa Damour, a clinical psychologist and the author of New York Times bestseller “The Emotional Lives of Teenagers,” told HuffPost.”They start to strive to be more grown-up and to be more self-sufficient.”